


Goodbyes

by ShaneVansen



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, F/M, Missing Scene, h/c
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-06
Updated: 2010-03-06
Packaged: 2017-10-07 18:28:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/67950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShaneVansen/pseuds/ShaneVansen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A <a href="http://www.sheppardweir.com/fanfics/series.php?seriesid=21">237 Reasons to Have Sex</a> entry.  #189: I wanted to say goodbye.  <i>Return 1</i> missing scene.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Goodbyes

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is... not quite what I meant it to be. I'm not sure how I feel about this one.
> 
> Many thanks to Ro for betaing. Remaining errors are all my own.
> 
> Originally posted to LJ August 2007.

"It must be nice to be home."

It was the hundredth time she'd heard this comment or a variation of it – or so it felt – and Elizabeth forced yet another smile to her face as something non-committal passed through her lips. She endured strained small talk for a little while longer before her companion was called away, and she let out a quiet sigh of relief.

A quick look around assured Elizabeth that no one was paying attention to her, and she headed unobtrusively toward the exit. She relaxed a bit as the noise of the welcome home celebration faded behind her, but she still felt too exposed. If she remembered correctly from her previous stays at the SGC, there were a number of unused offices just around the corner and she headed in that direction.

To her relief, the first room was both unlocked and abandoned. There was nothing left in the old office except a dust-covered desk bearing a keyboard and a lamp. Elizabeth tried the lamp and found that it worked, so she shut off the harsh overhead lights; the softer yellow light of the covered bulb was more suited to her mood.

She leaned back against the wall and closed her eyes, wishing briefly for a chair or couch or that she wasn't wearing a skirt, because all she wanted just then was to curl up and wallow for a while. This wish was as foolish as her desire to go back to Atlantis, however, so she abandoned it, letting her thoughts drift in the quiet.

Long before she was ready to rejoin the crowd, there was a soft knock at the door. Elizabeth straightened reluctantly, adjusting her clothes and donning her game face as the door swung open to admit a solitary, familiar figure.

She offered John a small but genuine smile, resettling herself against the wall. "Hey," she greeted him, studying his face. "What's up?"

He moved toward her, stopping a little more than an arm's length away. "Nothing. I just saw you leave and when you didn't come back, I thought...." He trailed off for a moment, looking nervous and embarrassed as he always did when things got personal. "Are you okay?" he blurted in a rush, and Elizabeth was equally amused and touched.

Her first instinct was to reassure him, tell him she was fine, but she'd been selling that lie all evening and she was sick of it. Her next impulse was a succinct but truthful _no_, but she didn't want to lay her problems on John; he'd lost his home, too. Instead, Elizabeth settled on what she hoped was the truth. "I will be."

He gave her a crooked smile, shuffling a few steps closer. He reached out a hand toward her face and Elizabeth held very still when his thumb brushed over her cheek. "You had a smudge," he said by way of explanation, and Elizabeth had to close her eyes and grit her teeth against the sudden surge of... _something_ at his gesture.

"Lizabeth?" That concerned tone was back and Elizabeth had precious little defense against him when he talked to her like this. Then he brushed a hand down her arm and the rare contact was too much, so soon after losing Atlantis. She took a step forward and leaned against his chest, feeling his arms fold around her awkwardly. For all the times he'd let her rely on him for support, she never would have thought she'd need him most when her entire team was safe and sound on Earth.

It had been a long time since she'd been this close to him – almost a year and a half – but her body remembered this. He was warm and solid against her, making her think of safety. Of home.

After a few moments of stillness, John started running a hand up and down her back in a soothing motion. Elizabeth shifted closer, burrowing further into his embrace. "Thank you," she murmured into his chest.

"Anytime," he replied without hesitation, his arms tightening around her.

Elizabeth lifted her head to speak but found herself nuzzling a spot just under his jaw. She felt more than heard his quick intake of breath and with his response, she knew what she wanted – _needed_ – from him.

She pulled back and slid her hands up John's chest to cup his face, holding him still when she leaned in to kiss him. She could sense his surprise in how he held himself, in the way he hesitated before kissing her back. His uncertainty only lasted a second, though, and then he was pushing her backwards until she crashed into the wall, his tongue forcing its way into her mouth when her lips parted on a gasp.

Elizabeth slid her arms around his waist and then up his back, grasping at his shoulders to pull him even closer. His chest crushed against her breasts and she arched her back with a quiet moan. One leg wrapped around John's, his thigh right where she needed it, and she circled her hips. Behind closed lids, her eyes rolled back at the sensation.

John broke the kiss and leaned his forehead against hers. Elizabeth struggled to calm her breathing as his hand came to rest on her cheek with surprising gentleness, his thumb brushing over her lips. Her tongue flicked out instinctively, catching the pad of his thumb. He hissed quietly in response, his hips jerking forward to press his erection into her lower stomach.

Eyes still closed, foreheads still pressed together, Elizabeth played her tongue over the end of his thumb before sucking the entire digit into her mouth and swirling her tongue from where it met his hand to its tip. John's breath was hot on her face when he groaned her name, his hips grinding against her.

She rubbed against his thigh helplessly, releasing his thumb to tilt her head back against the wall. Her leg ran up the outside of his, her knee hooking over his hip and her calf wrapping around to press against his backside. John dropped his hand from her face to behind her knee, running his fingers lightly up the back of her thigh until he was cupping her ass beneath her skirt, the material pushed up past her hips. With his free hand he repeated his motions on her other leg, encouraging her to wrap it around his waist, and then she was held up only by the wall at her back, his chest against hers, and his hands supporting her from below. She tightened her legs and arms around him, suddenly finding herself looking down at John. He leaned up and kissed her hard but broke away before she could respond, choosing instead to kiss, lick, and bite his way down her neck.

Elizabeth held her breath when he moved lower, pushing aside her suit jacket with his nose, then let out a whimper when he lightly bit her nipple through her bra and blouse. He suckled at her until the fabric was soaked through before switching to her other breast, and she couldn't take it anymore.

Somehow she managed to work her hands between them, loosening his belt and opening his button and zipper. It was more difficult to get his pants down past his hips but between the two of them they managed and then he was pressed against her, his hand holding the crotch of her panties out of the way. At that moment, Elizabeth couldn't have been more thankful for the run in her nylons that had prompted her to duck out to the washroom to throw them away halfway through the evening.

He slid all the way into her on the first thrust, her own weight pushing him deep. His muttered "Oh _fuck_, Elizabeth" was nearly drowned out by her own wordless cry at the feel of him so far inside her.

John seemed to be trying to hold still but she couldn't do the same, squirming against him, trying to move. In this position she had very little leverage and it was already driving her close to insanity.

Finally he moved, withdrawing halfway before plunging roughly back into her body. She made a sound in the back of her throat and he did it again, his pubic bone glancing over her clit and making her shiver. In a matter of seconds he set up a rhythm that she knew would have her breaking in just minutes.

Urging his face up from where he'd turned back to tonguing her breasts, Elizabeth ducked her head to capture his lips in a wet and sloppy kiss; they were both breathing too hard for anything in the way of technique, but, god, just then it was the most perfect kiss she could imagine. She swirled her tongue haphazardly around his, her nails scratching at the base of John's skull, and his hips slammed just a bit harder into hers.

One of his hands slid beneath her underwear, tracing along the cleft of her ass. A finger brushed carefully over the puckered skin and she shuddered, her eyes slamming shut and a gasp torn from her throat. _"Jesus."_ Her skin tingled everywhere.

John stroked her again and she could only hold on, a high-pitched sound escaping her mouth with every stroke of him inside her. The heat was coiling low in her belly, impossibly tight with need. She was nearly overwhelmed by his presence, the taste and scent of his sweat, his soft grunts by her ear, the feel of him so close. When he dipped his head to bite her nipple it proved to be too much for her senses and she shattered.

John's mouth against hers quickly muffled her scream and his own cry of release just a few seconds later. She shook against him, holding tightly to John as he rode her through her climax and was there when she finally started to come down what seemed like hours later.

He held her steady when she lowered her legs, muscles trembling too hard at first for her to support her own weight. "Okay?" he whispered in her ear, pressing barely there kisses against the delicate skin.

She shook her head, leaning into him, her face pressed to his neck. "Give me a minute."

He didn't respond, just ran careful hands over her, straightening her skirt before sliding up beneath her jacket. His thumb found a gap between her skirt and blouse, slipping underneath to circle over her skin. Every once in a while his lips brushed over her temple or forehead.

Eventually Elizabeth realized that her feet were freezing; she'd lost her shoes at some point and the concrete floor did nothing to help the chill of the underground facility. Though he said nothing she knew John had to be cold as well, standing there with his pants down around his ankles. He just held her, letting her take the time she needed.

That was when the guilt set in.

She pulled away from his embrace, edging sideways when the wall prevented her from moving backwards. Her eyes darted around the room as she avoided watching him fix his clothing. The sound of his zipper was suddenly unnaturally loud in the small room.

How could she explain this to him – hell, to herself? How did she explain that she needed a way to hold on and yet start letting go, that of them all he would always be the one who reminded her most of Atlantis? That if she was going to survive this, she was—

She was going to have to say goodbye. To him, to all of them.

There was no graceful way out of this situation. Elizabeth forced herself to meet John's eyes and could tell from the expression on his face that he already had an idea of what she was about to do. She'd never hated herself so much.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. Her chest ached at the way he simply closed his eyes and nodded, though not before she caught the flash of pain, possibly anger. She ducked around him, swiping her shoes off the floor and all but running for the exit. At the door she paused, half turning back in his direction. "I'm sorry," she said again, her voice cracking, and thought maybe she meant something else. Without another word she left, the door softly clicking shut behind her.

**

She managed to avoid him for a month and a half, using call display and the answering machine to evade his calls, scheduling her few meetings at the SGC when she knew he'd be off-world, and not bothering to answer her door at all. It took Carson finally forcing her out of her apartment and back into the real world for her to realize that keeping herself from seeing any of them hadn't done a damn thing to help her get over losing her home, and it took seeing John again for the first time in six weeks for her to understand that she couldn't ever really say goodbye.

_\--end--_


End file.
